Dan Cummins – Vegas, Acid and Enya – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

– And what I had really wanted
to do for a long time
was a lot of drugs.I had been high before,
but I had never been “don’t squish tiny horses”
high. And I definitely wanted
a piece of that action.[dark electronic music]♪ [muted, echoing voices] [rattling][intense music][dramatic note][raspy, echoing voice] [cheers and applause] – Welcome
to “This Is Not Happening.” I’m your host Ari Shaffir, and tonight the topic is
“psychedelia.” [cheers and applause] Please help me welcome
this first comic, absolutely hilarious. I’ve been watching him
for years. Please give it up for Mr. Dan Cummins, everybody.Let him hear it!
Dan Cummins!
– It was 2011 and, uh, two grown men
are lying face up. It’s Super Bowl weekend,
Saturday night. Two grown men are lying face up,
fully clothed, on twin beds
at the MGM Grand hotel, and they’re focusing
really hard on their breathing, and they’re listening to Enya, ’cause that’s the only thing…
[laughs] they’ve been able
to figure out that keeps them from completely just
freaking the fuck out. One of these guys
is comedy booking agent Stu. Doesn’t want his last named
to be revealed for this story. But it sounds a lot like
[bleep]. [laughter] It sounds exactly like that. [laughter] Right now Stu is really worried
that the other guy in the room has a knife and wants
to stab him with it, and the other guy in the room
doesn’t have a knife. He also doesn’t care
about telling Stu that he doesn’t have a knife, ’cause he doesn’t think
Stu is a real person. [laughter] He’s currently convinced
that Stu is a psychological construct that’s been planted
into his subconscious by some kind of evil scientist that’s been studying him
in a coma, trying to get secrets, and he doesn’t want
to reveal those secrets. Uh, that man is me. And, uh, this is about
the night my agent and I tried to recreate “Fear
and Loathing in Las Vegas.” [laughter, whooping] Yeah.
Yeah. I’ve thought a lot
in the years since about why at 33
I decided to head to Vegas with a bag of drugs,
including nine hits of acid– like, I had never partied
quite that hard before or since. And a lot of it was the movie, “Fear and Loathing
in Las Vegas.” Like, I saw that movie, finally. I was really fascinated that Hunter S. Thompson
and his lawyer just went to Vegas
for work, like, technically
they’re there for work, and they just blew off
all responsibilities in life to burn through a literal
briefcase full of drugs. And I found that
strangely, uh, inspiring. Like, I’ve always been
so worried about consequences, and I thought,
“How fun would that be?” Just for, like, one night,
at least. Just to do whatever
I wanted to do, no matter how terrible
of a choice it was. And what I had really wanted
to do for a long time was a lot of drugs. I wanted to know how it felt
to have that mind just, like, brutally altered to the level
that their minds were. And so, uh, I think it– and especially acid. I feel like acid was a big part
of that movie for me too, ’cause I’d been fascinated
with acid. It was on my bucket list ever
since a buddy of mine in college told me this story
that I’ll never forget about how he dropped acid. He went to this party, and he got stuck in the bathroom
for a couple of hours, where he was perched up
on the the toilet, and he was afraid to get down, ’cause he had noticed
that a lot of tiny horses had sprung up from the tiles. And he thought
they were beautiful, and he didn’t want to risk
hurting one of these… like, you know,
really gorgeous creatures. And I had been high before,
but I had never been “don’t squish tiny horses”
high. And I definitely wanted
a piece of that action. So it’s–you know,
it’s 2:00 in the afternoon. We get to the MGM. We check in,
and we pop some codeine, smoke a little weed,
have a few drinks, just to put our brains
in a peaceful state to ensure that we
have a nice, soothing trip. And we each take a hit of acid, and then we go
to the Circus Circus, where Hunter S. Thompson
hallucinated, to go play some poker. And we get there and the acid
still hadn’t kicked in, and we got really nervous. We were like, “Aw, man,
I think we got a bad batch.” And we decided to take
a second hit of acid. [audience groans] Yeah, exactly. Not bad.
Not a bad batch. I sat down at the poker table, started having
some very new thoughts. Like, I remember thinking that
the guy sitting across from me had the most chips. Like, he was doing
the best at poker specifically ’cause
his face had too many angles. Like, I didn’t know how many
angles a face should have. I was like, “This fucker
has more than that.” And I felt like it gave him
a strategic poker advantage. And I also had a thought
that Stu has no chance of
winning at poker, ’cause he has
a teeny, tiny head. I’d never noticed how truly tiny
it was until that moment. Like, not “Beetlejuice”
head shrinker dust tiny, but pretty goddamn close. And I’m like, “He can’t win.” You can’t win
with a tiny head at poker. That’s just–I know that now. And I’m having
a lot of fun thoughts. I’m laughing
at these fun thoughts. Stu’s laughing
at this fun thoughts, and then we decide
to take our great time and ruin it by making easily what was our
worst decision of the night. We decided to go back
to the hotel and take the rest of the acid. Taking the rest of the acid
is just a bad premise. Right, like, it implies you’ve
already taken an amount of acid you thought would be enough when you didn’t already
have a head full of acid. And now you’re taking
more than that, ’cause you’re quite
literally insane. So we take 2 1/2 more hits each.
There’s a half in there. We were so greedy
with our drugs, we couldn’t let one guy have
one more hit than the other guy. We actually tore a little tiny
tab in half, and we had 2 1/2– and then we decided
we need to reconfirm picking up some coke
and ecstasy in a little bit, and before we go get
the rest of the drugs, we need to go get some pizza
across the street. [laughter] We’re really planning
this out as best we can. And it should have taken
us about 15 minutes to make it across the street
to get some pizza. We estimated later it took us
roughly an hour and a half. ‘Cause by the time
we hit the lobby, the acid was kicking in so hard our brains
were just disintegrating. Stu’s new reality became,
once we got to the lobby, that there was
a security team tracking us trying to catch us
doing the drugs complete with dogs. He thinks dogs are following us. Like–like that’s
ever gonna happen in Vegas. Like they’re just gonna let,
you know, drug-sniffing dogs
loose on the strip. They would bark at almost
every fucking person they came across. And–but he thinks
our best course of action is to hide in the MGM
parking lot behind some cars so the dogs don’t find us,
and so we do that. We go out,
and we’re hiding behind a car. It’s not even dark out. We’re two men in our 30s
just hiding behind random cars. And then we would–
he would get nervous that the dogs were closing in, and then he would decide
we got to, like, head down, scurry to the next car to not looks suspicious. That looks so suspicious. And I’m following him
knowing it’s a bad idea, but I have to stay close to him, ’cause I have a new reality
as well. My new reality is that everything that’s now really,
really close to me that I look at
starts to drift back and away and up into the air,
including Stu. And I actually am thinking
that if I don’t stay within grabbing distance
of my friend, he could drift into space. And I can’t handle
that right now. I just cannot risk that,
and so he’s– We’re just scurrying,
and I’m chasing. And finally we make it
to the pizza place where I decide to order us
two pepperoni pizzas, which–I don’t even really
like pepperoni pizza, but another real
thought I’m having is that I’m convinced
that some things that I’ve always thought
were real are real, and some things that I’ve always
thought were real are not real. I love Canadian bacon pizza,
but you know what? It’s fucking fake pizza,
you guys. It’s never real.
It’s never existed. And you can’t eat things
that don’t exist. [laughter] So pepperoni pizza,
it’s super-duper real. It’s the most real pizza. And by God,
that’s what we’re gonna eat. And…
[laughs] and all this makes perfectly–
sense to me at the time. It makes really good sense. And they have this, like,
you know like the individual little boxes in
the little trays on the shelf? And I go to just grab us
two pizzas from the counter, and, like, millimeters
before grabbing it, my fingers crumple
and my wrist bends like I hit something,
and it really hurts. And I’m just like, “What the
fuck is that–happened?” And I just look at Stu, and he’s
off worried about security. He’s in a bad place. And I just keep trying
to grab it, and it just keeps
crumpling over and over. And I’m like, “I cannot for
the life of me get this pizza.” I went back the next day
to see what the hell– there was a plexiglass
barrier… [laughter] Between product and customer that I’m unable
to visually process. I remember at one point
actually digging at the fucking force field like an insane badger
just desperate for pepperoni. And they take pity on me.
They give us the pizzas. I wish they would have given us
security camera footage of that interaction. I would–that’d be priceless. But we were somehow able
to eat these pizzas. And then we hop on a taxi to go
find the rest of the drugs. And I have a piece of paper I’d put down
in my pocket earlier with the address written down, ’cause I knew I’d be
in a bad place. And I read what
I think are the words on the paper to the driver. I’m reading him
what I think is an address. He hears, what I’m guessing,
is just drug-fueled gibberish, and he wants more information. Essentially,
he wants an actual address. And he wants–or references,
what part of town is it? You know,
nearest intersection. I can’t answer any ques–
I’m only mentally capable of re-reading
what I think it says louder and more aggressively. I don’t know what I was yelling,
just some– I’m sure it was some just
gibberish-y address-y kind of– “7-6 Street Durango 7-6! “Place! Street! [yelling]
“7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7! 7!” [laughter] I’m freaking out, uh… Like a lot of people, the driver doesn’t like
being screamed at by a maniac. He becomes very upset, and now he’s screaming at me, and this freaks Stu out. Stu’s really freaking out. Now, I found out later that
at this point in the evening, Stu becomes convinced
that this driver is part of the security team, and he’s driving us
straight to prison. Like, not even a–
not processing, not police station,
not jail, just prison. We’re going to some kind of
drug prison. And at the next intersection
at the red light, he just leaves. He just opens the door mid-fare and just starts running
away from the taxi, which I didn’t know was
an option you could do in taxis. I grab an unknown amount of cash and just throw it at the driver and chase him, and we just run for a long time. I don’t know.
We couldn’t track time. I do know–I remember, like,
being in alleys. I remember a lot of scurrying
and hiding. Finally we’re able to actually see the MGM tower
in the distance, and we were, like,
we navigated like savages. We just, like,
would see it visually and we’re moving
somewhat towards it like two monsters
following the moon. And we finally do make
it back to the room, where I decide
we got to lay down, we got to focus
on our breathing, and we got
to calm the fuck down, ’cause shit’s
getting real weird. On the way back, Stu started
talking a lot about a knife, and he was real worried
about getting stabbed. He’s asking me over and over
about the knife. I don’t even care about
answering him, ’cause he’s the Canadian bacon
of people to me right now. I don’t–like,
you’re not even a real thing. You’re just
so annoying right now. You’re a fake, annoying thing. And I just think that, like,
if we could just lay down, focus on our breathing, and maybe listen
to some music or something, ’cause things are–
it’s getting so dark. You know, like, I–
every time I look around, I’m convinced
there’s a wall of blood behind me in the background. I need some kind of music,
but unfortunately, I listen to a lot
of hard rock and metal, and Rage Against the Machine,
Queens of the Stone Age– not what I fucking
need right now. Not gonna put me
in a better place. And luckily I think back to an album I used to fall
asleep to in high school, and I’m able to type four
letters into the keyboard, which is really hard
’cause my keyboard’s melting. I can’t look at it
for more than a few seconds without it starting to melt, but I’m able to get in
E-N-Y-A. [sighs]
Oh, sweet Enya. I have never loved her
more than that evening. If you don’t know who Enya is–
you’ve heard her. She’s that sweet, like,
New Agey spa music, like wizard music. Like, if elves were real, Enya would be number one
on the elf charts week in and week out. Right? Like, to me
she’s not even a real human. She was never born. She just, you know,
just sprang up from some mystic Irish pond
fully-formed– [vocalizes] I’m like, “Please, Enya, “turn these blood walls
into waterfalls. I need you now more than ever!” [laughter] And we laid down and listened
to her soothing rhythms, and it worked. We rode Enya through the peak, and things got a little bit
worse for a while, but then they got a lot better. Stu stopped talking
about the knife. I started thinking he was real. And we were able to stand up, and I looked out
at the skyline, the strip, and it was
the most beautiful skyline I’ve ever seen in my life. It was, like,
pulsating and trailing and just truly beautiful. And I remember thinking,
like, I knew that I shouldn’t have done
any of the things I’d done so far that night. I knew that
I definitely shouldn’t, after all of that,
still go find coke and ecstasy, but I was going to. I mean, I–you know,
it’s bad choices. You know, it’s like,
I got responsibilities, got a mortgage,
I got two kids. Not with me that weekend. Let’s not get too fucking
judge-y right now. They were safe away from me. But, you know,
I don’t regret it, you know? It’s, like, I finally
just did a night just truly for me. I got my own story. You know,
I didn’t see tiny horses, but I now definitely
know how it feels to have your mind
terribly altered. And if this story
that I’ve just told actually inspires you
to go on your own drug binge, I got to say, uh… No.
Don’t fucking do it. It was terr–I was in
the Devil’s brain for a good six hours. Like, it was terrifying!
It was truly terr– I feel like I was one hit away from still wandering
the strip today, just like,
“7-6! 7, 7, 7, 7! “You can’t eat pizza
that’s not real! Ha ha ha ha ha!
Okay!” So close to being
that guy forever, but if you’re gonna do it–
and I can’t stop you– bring your own snacks. You don’t want
to deal with force fields. Bring a little bit of Enya, and never take
the rest of the acid. Two is more than enough. Thank you, guys.
Be safe out there.[dark electronic music]

100 Replies to “Dan Cummins – Vegas, Acid and Enya – This Is Not Happening – Uncensored

  1. A nice easy way of not having to worry about the"rest" of the acid is to take it all at the start. You don't need unnecessary shit getting in the way of being totally out of your mind.

  2. I've been listening to a lot of these Comedy Central I was on drugs videos. They're all bad trips. It's too bad because mine have all been wonderful. Nothing like driving 15 miles an hour listening to U2s Joshua Tree in a convertible on mushrooms thru Joshua Tree National Park. Start before day break at the south entrance with a full moon, and get to the end at night with animals scurrying in the star strewn chilly night. It was fn awesome.
    Maybe it was lack of planning.
    Years ago in school, I did catch too much of Hellraiser at a friend's house. But we bolted out of there, got back on our bikes and rode 15 miles away from Gainesville and laid in a field eating gummy bears and junior mints. Maybe it's your general mind set.

  3. If you take more acid it will only lengthen the trip, it won’t amplify unless you double your dose

  4. People are groaning over taking two hits of acid? I feel like that is the minimum you should take unless you micro dose or something.

  5. Absolutely WORSE This Is Not Happening episode EVER. Didn't laugh once. Fucking retarded. This guy SUCKS.

  6. When taking copious amounts of lsd, always have ONE hit of something to take the edge off before hand, extasy is the safest bet, then a valium, beer, worst case scenario is weed… But you'll never have enough and you'll always find yourself gravitating around the bong on the coffee table

  7. third time i took acid i bought it from a guy i didn't know. i bought 5 hits. i took two and after 90 minutes of feeling nothing i took the other 3 sure that i had been ripped off and just spent $15 bucks on five little squares of paper. not less than one minute later I heard the sound of a car passing the car we were in and thought it was hilarious while simultaneously thinking "oh, shit, I am in for a long night"

  8. This is so boring. Yeah….you did acid dude. You saw stuff. That's what happens on acid. Listening to somebody describe an acid trip is like listening to someone tell you about a crazy dream they had. It's usually not nearly as interesting as they think it is.

  9. what a pussy…ive taken 21 hits solo and wandered the streets of NYC listening to nothing but ministry and nine inch nails on my head phones IN THE FUCKING RAIN.

  10. the moral of the story is dont do too much acid and dont be round straight folks simple, my self done alot of acid and mushrooms at same time with four good freinds with music and a outdoor fire amazeing never had a bad trip because stayed away from towns citys ect and people that are straight

  11. Acid was the drug of choice in Austin TX during the late 90's. Stuff was everywhere. 6th Street had 'acid' clubs. It was a good time. 🙂

  12. "He asking me over and over about a knife, and I don't feel like answering him because he's the Canadian bacon a people right now."

    The fuck LMAO

  13. The best detail is, from the riff he sang I know that Dan Cummins also used to fall asleep to Enya's Shepherd Moons. Problem is there's a late-disc track called Book of Days that's a bit of a banger (we're speaking extremely relatively here). It'll wake your ass up if you're not careful.

    For your reprehensibly-stoned anxiety-laden listening pleasure, I also recommend Brian Eno's Music For Airports. It's saved my sanity on more than one occasion.

  14. The first time I tried acid we actually got some bunk shit, so we got a second tab thinking the high wasn't that bad. Boy, was I wrong lol. That shit messed me up. I tried it one more time thinking it can't be that intense everytime. It was lol. I haven't tried any since and don't plan too, but I'd never take back that experience.

  15. I sure wish I could enjoy substances in moderation, but I'm a recovering addict, and just about every psychoactive know to man has addictive potential when it comes to poly-substance addicts like myself…even the gabapentin I am prescribed to help with my bipolar 1 disorder. Really sucks! My favorite psychedelics were always dissociatives. Dextromethorphan(DXM) and salvia divinorum are the main two that come to mind. I just find the numbing and out-of-body effects of DXM to be absolutely blissful. If you dose it pure in the hydrobromide form, you can really achieve some amazing introspective states of consciousness that are extremely profound and benevolent if you know how to release all grips on reality and any anxieties due to preconceived notions as to what the experience will entail. The classic serotonergic psychedelics like LSD, LSA, and psilocybin have always been a big "no no" for me due to the potential for a psychotic episode related to manic-depression. It was never truly worth the risk for me. However, I do not deny the profound impact these substances have had on seasoned psychonauts in search of true ego death and breakthrough experiences. Salvia had such an impact on me. It is still impossible for me to fully get my mind around my five-minute salvia 60x extract experience, and it took place back in 2013. It was as though I was gone for a decade, and yet, it reality, it was only for a matter of minutes. It is truly a maniacally powerful substance!!!

  16. One time on four hits of acid riding shotgun in my buddy's car, he's also on four hits and I can't blink or we could crash because we had broken the sound barrier, really going 30 in a 55 water's pouring from my eyes and I look over and my buddy's having the same watering eye issue and I ask him, "hey man, can you see?"
    He just calmly said, "kinda"
    This is not happening…


  18. I was never a big druggie, but I did do acid once with some Deadheads in Massachusetts. I made exactly the same mistake this guy did; I took a hit and it took so long to hit me that I wrongly assumed it was a weak batch, so I took a second hit.

  19. Bro doing acid being surrounded by skyscrapers and just city shit is the fucking scariest shit you can ever do

  20. Sorry but I've taken 2 hits of acid and this is wayyy overly dramatized. I like Dan Cummins but this is one of his weaker performances.

  21. This makes me wanna trip again… I laugh my fkng ass off at ppl that I see when I trip.. it's the funniest fkng thing I've ever seen… ppl are so fkng weird that it's hilarious

  22. Yeah acid is not a good Vegas drug. Was still coming down watching a guy finger a chick in a hot tub at Luxor. This is ten in the morning and literally no one noticed. I finally pointed it out to my buddy and the hysterical laughter kicked in. Short story we ended up back in the room with the couple.

  23. This guy is pissing me off bc he can't fucking say acid right. I can't watch this guy anyone dude. Fuck this video

  24. 9 hits? That's it? What kind? The first time i did acid was 12 hits of white on white from family. Family are the people who make it, and uses to follow the Grateful Dead. The wind blew out of the ground directly into the sky at hurricane force, but i still managed to keep my head on straight for the most part. Had an extremely profound experience

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